Do You Need to Live Together Before Engagement?


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In today’s world, relationships look very different from what they did just a few decades ago. People are waiting longer to get married, and many are choosing to live together before taking the next step. This brings up the big question: do you really need to live together before getting engaged? 

Well, not always. Some couples feel that waiting until after engagement or marriage to move in keeps the relationship fresh. Others might have cultural or personal reasons for holding off. Cohabitation isn’t a step that suits all. For some, this is necessary, for others, it is not needed.

The reason this is an important question is because a lot of people think of living together as a sort of test run for marriage. Some say it is beneficial to know each other better, some believe it might spoil the excitement. With so many couples choosing different paths, this is a topic worth exploring. 

Portugal | Photo by PEDIPortugal Weddings

Reasons for Not Living Together 

Cultural or Religious Beliefs 

Many people come from backgrounds where living together before marriage is not accepted. You may respect these traditions and choose to wait until you are married. 

Wanting to Know Each Other First 

You may feel that you want to know each other more deeply before sharing a home. This can involve understanding each other’s habits, values, and lifestyle choices without the influence of living together. 

Testing Compatibility in Different Ways

Some couples want to see how they get along in other circumstances, such as travelling together or handling big decisions, before sharing a home. 

Financial Stability 

Living together often means sharing expenses too. You might prefer to wait until you are more stable before taking on the extra costs that come with living as a couple, like rent, bills, and furniture.  

Family Expectations 

Family opinions can also play a big role. You may opt not to live together due to family expectations or maybe because some of your relatives or friends would judge you.

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Benefits of Not Living Together Before Engagement

Keeping the Relationship Exciting 

Living apart can help keep the mystery and excitement alive. Each date or time spent together feels more special when you don’t see each other every day. 

Building a Strong Emotional Bond 

When you don’t live together, you have more time to focus on building a solid emotional connection. This can help you understand each other’s values and dreams better, which is essential for a strong relationship. 

Maintaining Independence 

Not living together gives each partner a chance to maintain their independence. You can still have routines, hobbies and friendships in your life without feeling like you need to give up everything. Having your own space can help you both grow as people and bring new energy into the relationship!

Time for Personal Growth 

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you should lose sight of who you are. Not living together gives you the time and space to find out more about yourself. You can totally focus on growing yourself, on your job, and on things you love, so that when it’s time to get engaged, you can be a better partner.

Avoiding Unnecessary Pressure 

Moving in together can sometimes add pressure to the relationship, like rushing into bigger commitments. Staying separate gives you the chance to grow at your own pace.  

Avoiding Common Conflicts 

Every couple has their share of disagreements, but living apart can help you avoid some common conflicts. Things like differing cleanliness standards or household habits can be avoided until you’re ready to face them together after engagement.

Creates Excitement for the Future 

Living separately builds up excitement for the significant changes that will happen after getting engaged. You will have a new and exciting future ahead, such as building a home together and beginning the next part of your life side by side.

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Challenges of Not Living Together 

Limited Daily Interaction 

When you don’t live together, you miss out on the little things that happen every day. You don’t see each other first thing in the morning or share casual moments like cooking dinner together. These little, everyday moments can bring couples closer together!

Different Routines 

Everyone has their own way of doing things. You will have different schedules and daily routines if you are not living together. This can create misunderstandings or make you feel distant. It can be hard to match your lives when you’re not sharing the same space. 

Communication Gaps 

Living separately might make it easier to avoid difficult conversations. When you don’t see each other every day, it’s easy to let issues slide. This might end up causing a bunch of mixed emotions that could later spark bigger conflicts.  

Lack of Conflict Resolution Practice 

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Living together gives you the chance to work through disagreements in real-time. If you don’t practice this, handling conflicts when they come up could be tough, and you might end up not resolving things. 

Financial Strain 

Depending on where you’re living, not moving in together could lead to higher living expenses. You might be paying for two separate places, which can add stress to your finances and, in turn, your relationship. 

Uncertainty About Compatibility 

Not sharing a home can make it harder to understand how compatible you truly are. Sharing a home can uncover habits and quirks you might miss while dating. If you are not sure about this, you might step into engagement with questions about your future life together. 

Long-Distance Relationship

If you do not live in the same area, your relationship will be more like a long-distance one, which has its challenges. When you are away from your partner, it can get pretty lonely and maintaining the same emotional attachment feels so much harder.

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Alternatives to Living Together 

If you’re unsure about moving in together before getting engaged, no problem! There are plenty of other ways to strengthen your relationship without sharing a home. Here are some ideas that can bring you closer without the move-in step. 

Weekend Getaways

Organise day trips or weekend breaks. When you spend more time together you can have more awesome memories. It will also be a great way for you to learn how you two handle different circumstances such as travelling or discovering new places. It’s a fun way to bond and see each other in a different way, without the commitment of living under the same roof. 

Regular Date Nights

Make it a habit to have date nights. It keeps the relationship alive and gives you both a chance to do something exciting in your free time together. You can certainly deepen your connection without having to live together simply by regularly spending quality time.

Communicate Often

Whether it be phone calls, video chats, or texting throughout the day, you have to communicate. Keeping each other in the loop helps you stay connected even if you’re not physically together all the time. 

Stay Over Sometimes

You can spend nights at each other’s places from time to time. You will get to feel what it is like living a daily life with your partner without taking that big step of moving in. You’ll get to know each other’s habits, routines, and even quirks, all while enjoying the comfort of your own space.

Plan Shared Activities

Take a cooking class, join the local dancing crew, or pick any hobby that you both enjoy doing. This gives you a chance to bond over something new and also shows how the two of you act in social situations. 

Spend Time with Friends and Family

Sharing your relationship with your friends and family can strengthen your bond. Go to events or gatherings and meet each other’s family. This will allow you to know the backgrounds and values of each other.

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When to Consider Moving in Together 

Deciding to move in together is a huge commitment and you really should discuss with your partner when it seems to be the right time. You don’t have to rush into it, but there are some moments when it might make sense to start considering it.  

Your Relationship Feels Solid 

If you’ve built a strong, healthy relationship where trust and communication flow naturally, this might be a good time. Moving in together can add new challenges, so feeling secure in your relationship is key. 

You’ve Talked About the Future 

Before sharing a home, it’s important to know if you’re on the same page. Do you see a future together? Talk about your eventual hopes of marriage, family or financial future. Moving in without talking about these things can lead to confusion or false expectations. 

You Handle Conflict Well 

Living together means you’ll see each other at your best and worst. If you know how to handle disagreements in a healthy way, you’ll be more likely to manage the ups and downs of sharing a space. 

You’ve Practiced Sharing Space 

Have you already spent a lot of time together in one place? Whether it’s staying over at each other’s homes or travelling, having that experience helps. It shows how you function as a team in shared environments. 

You’re Ready for Compromise 

Living together means changing a little of the way you do things because there is another person who also will be sharing habits, routines and preferences with you. If you’re both ready to compromise and adapt to each other, it could be the right time. 

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Tips for a Successful Engagement Without Cohabitation 

Stay Connected

Since you won’t see each other every day, talking is even more important. Make time for phone calls or video chats. Let your partner know how the day went, express what you are feeling and keep each other in the loop. 

Plan Your Future Together

Ensure that you want the same things for your future. Discuss things like finances, wedding plans, and where you’ll live after marriage. Having a plan in place reduces stress. 

Plan Quality Time

Be sure to take time out and make memories together if only for a little while. Live in the moment with each other.                     

Learn About Each Other’s Lifestyles

Make sure to know how each other spends their day and what they do throughout their daily life. Visit each other’s homes, meet friends and family, and get involved in each other’s lives. This helps you see how your partner lives and what their values are.

Keep the Romance Alive

Just because you’re not living together doesn’t mean the romance should fade. Surprise each other with sweet gestures, send a thoughtful text or leave a little note. Small things can make a big difference! 

Work on Problem-Solving

Disagreements are common among all couples, but fixing problems together while you live far away from each other will make your relationship stronger. Be patient, hear one another and create solutions together.

Build Trust

Trust is key in any relationship, especially when you’re not living together. Be open, honest, and reliable. If you can trust each other during this phase, you’re building a solid foundation for marriage. 

Respect Each Other’s Independence

Don’t forget to maintain your independence. Encourage each other to have hobbies, time with friends and grow as individuals. Every relationship will need to work out a healthy balance between time together and apart. 

Mark Your Milestones

Be sure to celebrate certain occasions in your relationship like your dating anniversary or personal victories.

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Conclusion 

To sum up, there are no good or bad answers, only what works for you and your partner. Some couples become closer when they live together, others need a bit of space before taking the next step. The most important thing is to communicate with your partner, be able to understand what each of you needs and build trust and respect, whether you share a home or not. Every relationship is different, so go with your gut and do what works best for you both!

I am so grateful that you came on this journey with me. If you liked what you read and are interested in more of my work, please check my portfolio here. I want to know what you think. Thank you very much for your valuable support!

Pedro Cruz

Wedding photographer and videographer from Lisbon, Portugal. Here is Pedro Cruz's short bio.

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